The Vampire vs. The Dancing Queen

I recently watched a 1992 Meryl Streep & Goldie Hahn movie called Death Becomes Her. There is a scene where a 40-something Meryl Streep diva suffers a nasty case of self-loathing due to the effects of aging; she is wildly desperate to remain young as she compares herself to a perk, supple 22-year-old aesthetician. Meryl ends up taking a youthful potion (given to her by a radiant Isabella Rossellini) and becomes a vampire.

I laughed at the scene because that is what hormones feel like to me. I am gulping down my hormone potion, hoping to slow down the aging process, to feel vibrant again. I vant to suck your blood.

I'm shocked to learn that I am resisting aging. I had always thought of myself as the cool human who loves transformation. I've changed jobs, houses, and countries just because I felt like it. Transformation becomes me. But, this one feels different due to the direction of my gaze: When I have changed jobs, houses, countries, or men, I was looking forward not back. There was excitement about possibilities. As I transform due to aging, I notice I'm holding on to the past. I am not feeling excitement, mostly fear and dread.

If I am totally honest, I sort of thought of myself as exempt from aging because I am a yogini, I drink lots of water, I wear daily sunscreen, and I eat fairly healthily. So, it's been a shock to notice that indeed, I am normal human with a normal aging human body. Ughhh. This transformation is hard. (And, I hear it gets harder.)

So, what's a girl to do? When I am curious, I take people to coffee.

My friend, Gail. She radiates self-acceptance and joy. Ooooh, I want that.

Introducing Gail. Gail is 77 and radiates joy. Gail and I are regulars at iBody, a Nia Dance Studio . Nia is an expressive form of dance where the actual dance steps aren't as important as feeling the energy move through you and between you. I am frequently moved to tears by the expansive expression on Gail's face as she feels the music and the movement. Gail radiates joy and peace as she dances, her face lifted to the heavens. She gets it. She can see the big cosmic joke, the gift of this life.

Our coffee date revealed that Gail lives in gratitude and acceptance on and off the dance floor. She travels, she dances, she soaks in Colorado hot springs. In short, she isn't caught up in the little shit. She notices the wonder of life. Also, she isn't as worried about aging as I am. (And, I'm 20+ years younger!) This is fascinating.

Gail isn't grasping like Meryl Steep was in the movie. She showers in the gentle rain of self-compassion.

It is embarrassing to say, but I see myself more as the Meryl Streep character than as Gail. I want to feel the joy and peace that Gail exudes, and I sense that self-acceptance is an inside job. This blog is wayfinding towards self-love amidst a body that is changing.

Post-script 1: Look up photos of the aforementioned actresses. Isabella Rossellini and Goldie Hahn have aged. I wonder how they feel about themselves. Do they radiate self-love like Gail? Or, are they prisoner to a youthful ideal? (Oddly, Meryl Streep looks the same at 75 as she did at 43. The magic potion worked.)

Post-script 2: I hear that The Substance, a horror movie with Demi Moore, communicates a similar obsession: Do not get old. Keep chasing youthful ideals. No self-acceptance here. I am curious to watch it. Will I see myself in Demi like I did with Meryl? Maybe Gail and I can watch it together.